rosetta moon

According to the last study for 2009 of the Bureau of Probable Statistics (BPS),  sudden restriction of coffee supply to the people of Australia poses a greater and more immediate risk to national security and productivity than global terrorism or climate change, probably.

Releasing the results at a fold out card table outside the official precinct of the Copenhagen Summit, study author Frecht Van Spruchner, made these observations to a largely disinterested audience:

To bring the urgency of the risk closer to home, it is unlikely that this event (Copenhagen) would have been possible had not the participants been dosed heavily on coffee, Penny Wong has rushed passed here 4 times in just 90 minutes to fetch each time what appeared to be 1 litre coffee boosters from that starbucks store you can see from here. Kevin Rudd according to inside Chinese sources has been taking mega doses of Red Bull concealed in his Copenhagen show bag. The point we are making today is that Climate Change, or at least this conference, would not have happened if not for the mass acceleration effects of the drug caffeine. Take away the coffee and the conference and do some simple computer modelling and that’s instantly a saving of 5000 international flights, 5000 show bags, and the enormous electrical energy consumed in delivering the urgent message across the globe.

If that information and statistics is not sobering enough, the BPS study goes on to examine the immediate and longitudinal impact of a coffee crisis upon not just Australia, but the entire globe.

We identify a risk far greater than Climate Change and describe it as ‘Caffeinism’ or the political manipulation of global coffee supplies to achieve a premeditated and political effect on the target country. The map on our website shows the countries most at risk and Australia is clearly one of them. The embargo of just one days supply of coffee from producing nations would have a downstream impact on the economy at least 10 times more dire than the 2008/9 Global Financial Collapse, and our modeling suggests the national parliament under such a situation and without emergency supplies, would fail to contemplate let alone respond to such a national emergency.  Its one thing for the major political parties to debate Climate Change but it needs to now be acknowledged that caffeine consumption is a primary driver of Climate Change and Caffeinism whether we like it or not will over shadow terrorism as this countries number one threat.

When pressed for a copy of the 423 page study, Spruchner said the information contained within is a matter of national security and is being examined by Senator Faulkner who will need to decide what parts if any, can be made public considering the isolated position of Australia and therefore the heightened risk.

The rest is up to the Rudd Cabinet, our job of collecting the information and modeling is over.  One of our recommendations designed specifically to appeal to our leader is a national television campaign to create a wholesale switch in consumption to Green Tea…its easier for us to grow tea in Australia and it will endear us to our biggest trading partner China, but given the failure of Rudd’s past TV campaigns it may be a case of the ‘boy that cried wolf’, but we will have to wait and see.

Source: Coffee God Image